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Talking
with Children when Disaster Strikes
David Walsh, Ph.D.
Background
The events of September 11, 2001 have struck fear and horror into
the hearts and minds of millions of Americans. Children will not
be immune to the fear that these tragic events spawn. It is important
for parents, teachers, and other adults to respond appropriately
to children.
Things
to Remember
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Fear is an intense concern or worry caused by real and/or imagined
danger.
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Fear is a natural and normal reaction to a scary event.
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Children younger than five years old cannot always tell fantasy
from reality. Media depictions of attacks can be as scary as
real attacks.
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Some children will exhibit fear through behavior, not words.
Examples might include a lump in the throat, crying, abnormal
fussiness or agitation.
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Sensitive children with vivid imaginations are more prone to
intense fear reactions.
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All children, even the very young, have a sixth sense that enables
them to be aware of an adult’s fear and anxiety.
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Children will respond differently at different ages. See the
age specific information below.
Tips
to Help Children with Fear
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The best overall strategy is to do two things simultaneously:
acknowledge their fear while simultaneously reassuring them.
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Take your cues from the child. Don’t assume they are more
afraid than they may be. Conversely, don’t assume that they
are unaware of what has happened.
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Take their fears seriously. Don’t try to talk them out of
it.
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Respond calmly. Don’t exaggerate their fears by using extreme
language or by overreacting.
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Answer their questions directly but don’t give them more
information than they are asking for or that they need.
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Provide physical reassurance with lots of hugs and touching.
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Make sure they know that it’s okay to ask questions.
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Manage the media diet of coverage according to their age. (See
below.)
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Remind children of other national tragedies (for example, the
bombing of Pearl Harbor and the Challenger Space Shuttle explosion)
and explain that life goes on and/or the United States does overcome
these tragedies. See age specific suggestions below.
Early
Childhood
Even though very young babies and toddlers may not know what is
going on they may pick up a parent’s worry and anxiety with
their "sixth sense."
- Try
to stay calm around babies and toddlers.
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Maintain normal routines as much as possible. Routines are reassuring
for babies.
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Shield babies and toddlers from media reports as much as possible.
Preschoolers
Preschoolers will be more tuned into what has happened. They have
probably heard or seen media reports and have probably heard others
discussing the attacks. Preschoolers are most concerned about their
own safety and the safety of their parents, relatives and friends.
They are not always able to distinguish between fantasy and reality.
- Acknowledge
that something very scary has happened, but that you and other
adults will make sure they are safe. Let them know that adults
will figure out what is going on.
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Give them lots of hugs and physical reassurance.
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Try to maintain the child's normal routine.
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Do not let a preschooler watch continuous scary news reports on
TV. They can't control what is happening and this will only scare
them.
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Child will need more comfort, especially at bedtime.
Schoolage
This age child will be more aware of what is going on and the reactions
of other people. These children are also most concerned about their
own safety and safety of family and friends.
- It
is important to be honest with them. Tell them what you know about
what happened without exaggerating or overreacting.
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Acknowledge that something very scary has happened.
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Emphasize that they are safe and that adults will find out what
is happening.
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Limit TV coverage for the children.
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Continue normal routine.
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Child will need more comfort and lots of reassurance.
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Make sure you talk to the child and don't assume that they are
too young to know what is going on.
Middle
School
Children this age will be very aware of what is going on. They may
be prone to exaggeration. Jokes or humor can mask fears for this
age group.
Talk to your middle school child and answer any questions.
Acknowledge any feelings of fear, horror, and anger.
Provide comfort and reassurance.
Children this age will be more interested in details. Share what
you know but don’t overwhelm them.
Some children may act out scary feelings or may become more withdrawn.
Talk with them and ask them to tell you about their feelings.
Use historical examples (e.g. Pearl Harbor, Challenger Space Shuttle,
etc.) to explain that bad things happen to innocent people but as
people and as a nation we go on with our lives and resolve bad situations.
High School
Youngsters in high school have probably already talked about the
attacks with friends. it is important to be honest with them and
let them know what is going on. This age may be glued to TV, eager
for news and details.
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It is important to talk about what has happened and about both
yours and their feelings.
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Acknowledge fear, sadness, and anger.
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Some teens may also just block out the whole thing and refuse
to acknowledge that anything big has happened or that they care.
This often masks real fears and feelings of being overwhelmed.
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Some teens may make jokes. Let them know it’s not funny without
lecturing them.
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Some teens may be very interested in discussing issues that this
tragedy raises. Be willing to engage them in serious discussions.
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Be careful to avoid placing blame on a whole group of people or
targeting particular groups.
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Use historical tragedies as a basis for conversation. Talk to
your teen about how the situation may be resolved in terms of
rescue workers, governmental responses, foreign policy changes,
etc.
Videos are available for community use - contact asunwall@tpt.org
David Walsh, Ph.D. is a psychologist and the president
of the National Institute on Media and the Family in Minneapolis.
He is the author of seven books on children and parenting and is
a frequent guest on national radio and television.
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